Influencing My Own Private World

Friday night I engaged in some very heavy conversation with two close friends late into the night, conversation about myself, my struggles, and the direction I was going in. College is a good time for these kinds of conversations, the deeper ones that get into your soul.

Getting deeper into your soul can hurt though, especially when one is speaking of wounds that have hurt us and the walls that we have built up to protect us from those wounds. I have a very good wall. Those of you who were with me at the Koinonia Retreat may remember my testimony concerning that wall. Those of you who haven’t but know me probably know what I am talking about. It’s that distance I keep on everything, and more importantly, everyone. I am still living and waiting for this wall to fall. Sadly, I know I have no means in which to break it.

In some ways, I keep and order my own private world that few people know about. This is natural. I’m sure each of keeps your own private world too. I tend to run my world with an air of intellectual fervor and spiritual coating. I run it in a way that is safe and familiar to me, easy for me to control, easy to set agendas, and work out in my time and my way. Would you say you run your world in a similar fashion? Is it your attempt to be safe, under control, and right with the world? We don’t want these worlds to be messed with, at least I know I certainly don’t.

In a previous entry I spoke of friendships and how change can result in distance and hurt as well as joy and good times. Many of you spoke different opinions in reply that were greatly appreciated. Here is another question: what role do friendships and other deep relationships play in the ordering of our private worlds? For me, I keep them (relationships) out of it (private world) and only occasionally give “progress reports” to my friends and family to let them know I am still running steady as planned despite maybe a technical difficulty here or a spiritual challenge there. This is wrong, I am (again) shortchanging those closest to me and keeping them apart from my journey.

So how do friendships influence your private world? What about them manages to make us stronger or weaker? Do they make you more confident? Do they belittle you? Do they challenge you in positive and loving ways? Do you they give you more control or force it away from you? Which effects should be desired and which ones should be avoided?

Relationships have so much power and influence in them. It’s as if they are one of the few things in this world that still have a profound way of shaping the eternal.

My Current State of Spirit: In Anticipation. The last week was a good one of rest, but I feel as if with the dawning of my last few conversations, I'll be up for another week of (hopefully positive) struggling. I do not fear it, but I don't expect such to be easy.