Renovation

It’s the most devastating trait I own, hiding deep underneath layers of social posturing and rhetorical style finely tuned over the years, covered up by honest to God Christian service and love, quietly ignored but furiously burning in my bones.

What’s the word? Ah yes… fear.

A. W. Tozer says that, “fear is the painful emotion that arises out of the thought that we may be harmed or made to suffer.” Simple, isn’t it? Tozer continues, “the effort to conquer fear without removing the causes is altogether futile. The heart is wiser than the apostles of tranquility… we have every reason to be afraid. And fear hath torment.”

And all I really want to do is to step outside, breathe in the fresh, crisp, autumn air, stare at the newly painted clouds on the red horizon, and admire the fiery leaves as they make their elegant descent to the ground. The season is far too short here, and soon the deceptive beauty of the leaves will give way to the truth of the matter: they are dying and returning to the dirt from whence they came.

I want to be free, but instead it’s more like free falling. Rumor has it that Christ can free us. Rumor has it that he’ll catch us when we fall. I pray the rumors are true. I pray that he’ll not only catch me, but he’ll hold me, love me, and tell me the worth I have that I don’t believe exists.

Where is the fine line between losing yourself to find yourself in Christ and losing yourself because you want nothing to do with yourself anymore? Wherever it is, I believe I have clearly fallen on the latter side of the two.

This is where everything could fall apart... but I believe Jesus will not let it. The rumors are true. He has caught me, he is holding me, and even as I cry my eyes out in his arms with groans from the wounds of my past, he will not let me go. He whispers in my ear, “beloved,” and keeps me warm as the winter winds blow through the naked trees; all the leaves I once so admired buried deep underground. I can only cling to him more, cry more, and be the baby I never felt I had the chance to be. Where there is winter there will eventually be spring. Where there is death there will be resurrection. There is a new self he has prepared for me; I must learn to embrace it. It’s a promise he made and it’s a promise I believe. Kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven, in me as it is in you.

No one ever said renovations would be easy.

Current state of spirit: Rising. With some perspective and a little distance, the things that matter most in life are starting to make themselves more clear. All the while I have more chances to rest and make myself known in ways I haven't been before. Don't run away.