1st Semester, Senior Year

This is the beginning of my last semester here at Wheaton College. It will do me good to consider what has already come to pass the semester before.

If as few words as possible, what things do I know now that I didn’t know before?

Everyday I am experiencing the grace of God more and more. There was a day that I heard God call me “beloved,” and since that day things have never been the same.

It didn’t happen overnight, it’s still happening now, and I don’t think it will ever end this side of eternity. By ‘it’ I mean the fullness of understanding the experience that is grace on our lives. I have learned change happens slowly. This journey to become more Christ-like is done on God’s terms and not mine. The more I embrace how slowly it is I change, the more natural changing becomes.

Just because I’m changing doesn’t mean I’m not being who I am as I am now. I have also learned to see God as always being in my present midst, therefore I am to live in the present and always be faithful and obedient to the calls of the present. In all of life there is always something to see, hear, touch, feel, experience. We must be intentional by stopping, looking, listening. What has this done for me? It’s helped me to live now, not dwelling in the past nor pining over the future. There is always something happening here and now, in this very space. I am beginning to feel eternity in each and every moment.

I fear complacency. I fear being exactly the same as I am now ten years later. This is not to say I don’t love who I am now. I would like to think it means I am more of me then I was before. I want to become the man God made me to be in His original ideal.

So there is a tension here, I believe theologians call it sanctification.

Of course, you can’t talk about sanctification without justification. That’s the other half of the tension. I have learned that God does not just accept me. The language of ‘acceptance’ somehow denotes a reluctance or obligation in my heart. Rather, justification is embrace. The type of embrace the prodigal son received in Jesus’ parable is the type of embrace we all need. A long, strong, bear hug showered in affirming kisses and words. Being embraced leaves no space for pity, fear, or self-degradation. You are surrounded in love and forced to just be what you are, even if what you are is disgusting. I realize now why so many people like me fear an honest embrace, even pushing it away when it comes. We don’t feel deserved of it. We feel better left alone.

God managed to embrace me last semester, after many years of trying only to have me push Him away. This time I let Him, and as I did, the fullness of God’s love taught me to embrace myself. Let the light in and scatter the darkness. I am justified.

(I better not run away again this semester. I certainly ran away during break. How stupid and fickle I can be.)

This great culmination of experiencing all-surpassing grace has led me to owning an obsession with the Holy. It is something that cannot and never will be capable of being expressed in words, but the soul longs for it. Since embracing myself for who God made me to be I have been awakened to the deepest thirst I’ve ever had. I am not going to try and elaborate on it any more. All I can do is plead with you to stop and consider the fullness of this word that describes the character of God:

Holy

Because of this I have a deeper appreciation for art in all its forms, because in art is the desire to seek or express something greater. Since last semester I have longed to express something greater. I have longed to express the fullness that is the grace of God. I long to embody it in such a way that shines like Moses did descending from Sinai. I believe Christians have an obligation to desire the Holy. Something more than this life has to offer.

I do not yet express what I profess. Only God can bring it out of me. Only He can make me sing.

I cannot manifest this gospel story alone. No, there is no place for the isolated individual in the walk of spiritual formation. What of community?

I am beginning to understand the dynamic of “real presence.” The greatest gift we can give others is our selves, but I don’t believe we really know how to do that. We spend our lives with others, but not often in their true presence. There is something disarming about presence. When we realize the person we are with a whole person, a soul that just as complicated and real as you are. Oh, what wonder exists in those moments of presence where we can acknowledge the whole of another? In the same way we call our deepest interactions with God, Holy moments, I believe Holy moments exists between people as well. When people are able to look into each other’s eyes and see everything just as it is. There is something to why Jesus places loving our neighbor as ourselves right next to loving God with all our hearts, souls, and minds.

The journey continues. This short piece is just a taste. There is so much more going on. But I leave it as it is, this is the story so far.. .

Current State of Spirit: Uncomfortable transition. I hate transitions, the process of finding new routines, new dynamics. It makes everything feel familliar but not comfortable enough to be home. This is just a taste though. In a few months I'll be going through an even larger transition. That'll be something. Better start praying now.