Lighten Up and Enjoy
I have three weeks before I leave Maryland. In about 5 weeks I’ll be thousands of miles away from everything I’ve ever known about life.
That’s crazy, yea?
“I'm ready
I'm ready for the laughing gas
I'm ready
I'm ready for what's next
I'm ready to duck
I'm ready to dive
I'm ready to say
I'm glad to be alive
I'm ready
I'm ready for the push
The cool of the night
The warmth of the breeze
I'll be crawling 'round
On my hands and knees
I'm ready
I'm ready for the gridlock
I'm ready...to take it to the street
I'm ready for the shuffle
Ready for the deal
Ready to let go of the steering wheel
I'm ready
Ready for the crush
Time is a train
Makes the future the past
Leaves you standing in the station
Your face pressed up against the glass” - U2, Zoo Station
Yea, I'm ready to go out there and bring it, i think I am anyway. Well, really it's a mixed bag lke anything else. In addition to the excitement and the passion I’m feeling awfully displaced, scared, nervous, anxious, and then some.
But that’s natural, no?
My girlfriend in waiting of sorts, Janelle, warned me about this. She had about three weeks at home before being shipped off to Thailand. For her there was also a fair share of frantic, surreal living with family and friends before departure. Now she is currently organizing a dance ministry to girls at a halfway house who just got out of human trafficking and such. She’s got soul and she’s putting it to use.
I need to pray that I can do the same.
I’m starting to realize that my summer has been lived in quite a frantic state. Although I’m in a better state of being now than my last entry of spiritual dryness, I don’t think I’ve changed the trajectory of life a great deal, perhaps just the altitude.
Attention passengers, things are running smoothly, just as they should, no worries...
right?
The other day I was in Barnes and Nobles hanging out with Joe Lee, a friend visiting from New Jersey for Toby and Cassie’s wedding (which was absolutely splendid I must say). I was really happy to have him here because it gave me an excuse to play without feeling guilty about work or other duties. I’ve spent the last few days running around Montgomery County and Washington DC seeing those old sights all over again, but it’s the company that counts. While looking through Asian American Sociology books, my friend, Jerry Redfield III, called me up to chat. He is preparing to go to Beijing himself to teach English to businessmen. I was conversing about the many matters I was attending to while at home: family, friends, China prep, and the like. The same things I’ve been doing all summer.
Yes, the same things, but this time it didn’t feel quite right. As I listened to myself speak the words of my life, a gaping hole began to reveal itself. I think I always noticed it was there, I just kept deciding to go on with the day to day. It’s easier that way, don’t you agree? I like my routine.. . don’t you? Don’t ask me to change.
My youth pastor, Joseph Tsang, has officially finished his time at the Chinese Bible Church of Maryland. This last weekend he gave his last sermon, married off another one of his kids, and is now preparing for a month of sabbatical rest before heading back to New York to serve as Senior Pastor of Vision Church in West Manhattan. Now that he’s really leaving, I’ve found myself really listening again to the message he’s always carried in the way he lives out the Gospel.
He only preaches about a few topics. He does it over and over and changes the form of the content to match the occasion. As a communication major I’m often enamored at his style of preaching and speaking: connect the dots, subversive musings, and passionate song. This summer he’s reminded me again of living fully. I remember why I went to Wheaton, and now that I’m done with that I have a full repertoire of experiences and ideas that need to be lived out. I’ve got my content, what kind of form is it going to take? That’s the big question. Let’s try China and teaching for a few years. The next step will reveal itself with time.
Still believe you can change the world? Yes, I do. But I’m not so idealistic a brat that I think I’m going to do it on my own in a blaze of glory. No, it’ll be in the day to day and the relationships. It’ll be alongside the closest of brothers and sisters who are inspired to do the same. Yea, I’ve got that part figured out for now. The passion and the fire are there, that’s not the problem.
“Are you taking care of yourself?” Jerry asks me over the phone. I pause for a moment, think for a second or two, and realize the honest answer to that question is a sad and pathetic ‘no.’ There it was, he hit the nail right on the head and it stuck, hard and heavy.
As much as I’m enjoying the summer, much of it has been soaked in self-induced duty. Even the very things I love and wouldn’t change for anything have the dirty smell of neediness and duty surrounding it. I’ve spent some amazing times with friends and family the past few weeks. I’ve had great conversations and made some awful sweet memories. But in the midst of it all, the weights drops harder and make the hole bigger.
It never really seems to go away. The same problems we face in ourselves today are often bound to be there for a lifetime.
“Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
So part of the plan
When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can
I'm diving off the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
But I don't know if I can
I know something is broken
And I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way I can” -Coldplay, X&Y
Easten, tell yourself again, you are not responsible for the weight of the world. Don’t go crazy now! Just... just...
Attention passengers, we need to make a change in plans.. .
“Just enjoy it,” Joseph tells me. Insane joy is another topic Joseph fancies quite a bit. It shows in his lifestyle just as strongly as his passion for making a difference. Insane joy is an indispensable part of the Gospel. Yes, I agree.
But I don’t have that joy. On occasion it is able to creep into my life by the grace of God, but the most of the time I’m just a drag. How sad.
So how am I going to start taking care of myself? I don’t really know yet. All I know is that I can’t do it alone. I already owe a lot of people a great deal of thanks for just pointing out this repetitive problem in my life. People like Janelle, a couple steps ahead, giving me the insight from hindsight. People like Joe, sharing good times and memories that give me a break from my routine. People like Jerry who show genuine concern for my well being. People like Joseph for living in life that points upward. The list could go on and on, of course.
So in these last weeks on US soil, I pray for joy to match my purpose and excitement. In addition to feeling awfully displaced, scared, nervous, anxious, and then some, there needs to be courage to ennjoy life, the many people I love. That’s what I really need, that’s what i really want.
“Cause we just wanna party wit you...Hey...hey
Open up your mind and let the vibe flow through
Cause you dont have to worry bout a thing
Let the rhythm heal your brain
While the party people sing (Hey!)” Jurassic 5, Hey
3 Comments:
maybe this is the voice of complacency and maybe not, but because i know what an existentialist you can be (only because my brain works this way as well), what a relentless thinker you are (and i guess you have been trained to be), sometimes you just need to stop worrying.
honestly. i hope this isn't heresy what i'm preaching, but i think the truth is that sometimes, easten, you think too much. about the now, the way you're feeling as you take in this exact breath. about what you did or didn't do or about how life is so different from wheaton, the world of spirituality on crack.
you're going to china in a few weeks. let that sink in. you are going to do amazing, world changing, kingdom building works. let that sink in too. now take a DEEP breath. God loves you.
you're living in a season, one that is about to change. don't let it happen all around you while you're running your mind through a checklist of christian duties. relax.
there is no method or equation for joy, so don't try to squeeze it out of yourself. the waiting period is always one (to me anyway) of awkward spiritual growth. too many questions, too much time for introspection, and sometimes that just leads to more trouble than good.
relax, kiddo. it takes all of my will to shut down the existantialist in myself but sometimes i feel all the better for it. ^__^ that your soul may be quieted by an awe and wonderment in God's creation as you gaze on the mundane with the eyes of an insatiable babe.
Who are you calling an idealistic brat? I'll have the face of capitalism changed in two years, three tops. Then I'll use my new system to solve world povery and become a pop star.I'll show you...
On more realistic and appropiate note, I agree with chiemi. God loves you. And me too in my own very imperfect way.
See you in a month.
once again thinking out loud...
Weight of the world-all the never ending sadness, the neediness, the brokenness.
But easten, what is broken is broken and cannot be mended. Maybe i'm totally off, but i feel like so many times we're trying to breach a cracked vessel. Perhaps it cannot be mended, but it can be made new. You cannot give a man who had his legs amputated new legs. But you can help him find new life within his brokenness. So let the seed die and hope for new life. If that is the case, then my friend it is not your weight to carry...and it is not a weight but a chance for rebirth, a hope of renewal. Jesus prayed in the book of John that the love the Father had for him would also be in us. Interesting, he also said that the work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent. What is your work easten? Yes we want to change the world and we are idealistic, passionate young people. But for what? why? Could the cause, the need sometimes become bigger than the truth we are trying to uphold and proclaim? I guess I do not understand what you mean by passion and the zeal. In the absence of insane joy, what has lent you that fire? It seems to me that changing the world is nowhere near a blaze of glory...probably closer to a blaze of suffering. If so, Easten, maybe what will hold us till the end is not our sense of duty, our passionate zeal even, but only the presence of Jesus Christ within you and your faith in him. So find that insane joy easten or let it find you. I feel that nothing is more crucial than that. And easten, sometimes the ordinary, the everyday is far more insane than all the glamor, emotion wrenching, the shimmering experiences we so expect. So perhaps joy is not too far from you. Blessings. Once again, me loves you.
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