Ahhh, life as i know it... Part 1
I have four days left in Maryland... yea, I’m starting to feel it.
Living out of a suitcase for the next month as I hope between Ohio, Palm Springs, St. Louis, and Beijing isn’t very attractive, but at least its exciting.
“Are you excited? If I were doing what you were I would be so totally excited,” Perry Hwang asks me over the phone after happily recalling her own summer experiences with a nearby Korean American Church. She seems her peppy self again and that makes me smile and sigh at the same time. I ponder her question for a moment, thinking over all the possible experiences to come in this next big adventure in my life. Yea, it’s all pretty exciting isn’t it?
“Eh, a little bit,” I reply, “But I don’t feel like I need to be excited about that. I’ll have plenty of time to be excited when I’m actually in China. For now, I want to be excited about being at home with my friends and family.” Perry replies appropriately, telling me she understands. I can see her tilting her head and nodding in my mind and wonder if she really does... understand I mean.
It’s true, I have an obsession with the present. I’d rather be excited about the now than any future event.
“You gotta be careful when talking about that kinda stuff,” Joseph Tsang advises. We’re sitting in the Cuban Corner, a nice lil hole in the wall restaurant in Rockville. The walls are covered with the names of famous Cuban Americans. “People will think you’re weird.”
It’s true though, I am a little weird... but so are you, Joe. Look at us, two grown men spending our free time reading comics to find ourselves and pining for Pollo Campero, an El Salvadorian Fried Chicken Chain that has opened its doors in downtown Wheaton, Maryland. I think we understand each other a little better because we both acknowledge we are just a little... maybe a lot... weird.
Joseph Tsang preaches a ‘Senior Sermon’ every year to the graduating seniors of the youth group. A few weeks ago I opened up an MP3 of my own senior sermon, a throw back to 2001. As I listened to his advice to me from four years ago, something blew my brains out. Old words jumped out of the speakers of my computer and knocked me upside the head. “Easten, Wheaton will be good for you. But after you’re done there you should do what all good Wheaton grads do and GO OVERSEAS, see some suffering.” I had totally forgotten that he had ever said that, and look at me now.
Ha, there it is. Prophecy at its best or am I just following the crowd? I am but another in the long tradition of CBC Wheaton Grads headed out to see the world to broaden our perspectives; Brian Wu, Andy Chang, Clement Wen, Marian Tan.
“I don’t remember that part either,” Joseph tells me, a fried plantain hanging on his fork, “I think you should tell your sister that. In fact, tell everyone.”
So there, Joe. I’ve told everyone. Have a good one in New York!
Who would have thought those few words from the past would reach their arms out all the way to this moment, right now. Of course, every moment from the past reaches out to touch today.
I am the sum of my experiences. Who is it that said that?
“honestly. i hope this isn't heresy what i'm preaching, but i think the truth is that sometimes, easten, you think too much. about the now, the way you're feeling as you take in this exact breath. about what you did or didn't do or about how life is so different from wheaton, the world of spirituality on crack.”
I have a little Japanese sister in Hawaii. She’s just like me except she’s got a way with words that dazzles. “Spirituality on crack,” now that’s good stuff. I’m looking forward to my Chimei’s triumphant cinematic career. She’s got the same film geek blood as me, but actually has patience and focus to create something where as I’m just a hopeless critic. Even though I only got to know her for real my last year at Wheaton, she’s got me figured out. Or at least understands one part.
It’s always been my fatal flaw. I think too hard...
One time at Koinonia Retreat at Wheaton, Ed Hsu threw down a few lines I’ll never forget: “Easten, Easten, he’s the philosopher king. He thinks too much about everything.”
“Does anybody really know the secret
Or the combination for this life and where they keep it
It's kinda sad when you don't know the meaning
But everything happens for a reason
I don't even know what i should say
Cuz I'm an idiot, a loser
A microphone abuser
I analyze every second I exist
Beatin' up my mind every second with my fist
And everybody wanna run
Everybody wanna hide from da gun
You can dig a rat through this life if you want
But you can't dig the edge off a knife (no sir)
And now you want your money back
But you're denied, cuz your brain's fried from the sack
And there aint nothin' i could do
Cuz life is a lesson, you'll learn it when you're through”
-Limp Bizkit, Take a Look Around
Joseph quoted that for me during my Senior Sermon too.
Luckily, I have grown up a little. These things take time, ya know? It takes a tree a really long time to grow, you’d never notice sitting next to one day after day. But if you were to leave for a couple of years and come back, you’d notice. It’s harder to see growth in people though. We stop growing physically around college, but the work inside takes a lifetime, right?
Have you noticed any changes in me or am I pretty much the same? Have I gotten better? Worse? Probably both?
2 Comments:
Easten Easten...
Thinking back to our "bench number 7" days... before we got busy...
I say yes, you have changed. You've gotten deeper. and more self-aware. Those are good things.
Bad things? You're harder to reach (get me to explain that one some other time.)
i'd have to say that you grew deeper rather than wider. but i'm confident you be stretched in the next few years...
you made my day... or rather, "you" made my day. i was standing in line at starbucks today and lo and behold, i saw you (or "you") sitting alone at a table far away, so deeply engrossed in a book, completely unaware of the noisy hustle and bustle of the world around you. baseball cap, glasses. it was you. it freaked me out at first (and probably the old lady sitting in front of "you" who was becoming leary of my staring) but then i was just bubbling over with joy. i walked around the mall with a goofy grin plastered on my face as people stared at me quizically, wondering what i was laughing at and why they didn't get the joke. and all i could think about was the girl in the red raincoat. i read that story on your site a few days ago and it has found a permanent residence in my mind and heart. now it's one of those pithy phrases: the girl in the red raincoat. it will always be visually symbolic of that radiating joy that comes from such an honest, overflowing steadfast adoration for Christ...
and of course, YOU (your true essence, the real easten, the blogging manifestation of my big brother, whatever) made my day as well with this soulful, entry. if only you knew how the manifold blessings of your encouragement affect me at the most divine moments in my life. long story short, i'm working on a film. it's freaking me out, but the more complex it gets, the clearer my vision, and the support just starts raining down. manna from heaven i suppose. a little love from dc goes along way. thank you thank you thank you.
i miss you, oniichan. you will change the world. don't ever doubt that. some quotes that have always spoken to me: "a diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure." (anon), "courage doesn't always roar. sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, i'll try again tomorrow." (i don't remember who said this)... my verbosity will inevitably detract from the application of those words to you, so take it as you will. rob every experience of truth. go for broke, as the 442nd regimental combat team cried proudly as they fought for a country that had denied them their identity. give it all you got and die empty but don't get too frustrated if you go to sleep tonight with a shroud of failure rather than the exhaustion of integrity. that was random. i need sleep. much love and aloha from sunny hawaii. i'm getting up in five hours to beat the tourists to the surf. peace.
your crazy little japanese sister
"the glory of God is many fully alive." st.ireneaus.
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