Ahhh, life as i know it... part 2

“Do you consider yourself an artist?” a friend asks me. I tell her I do. Not a very hard question, I’ve long considered myself an artist of sorts with deep desires to express and live fully.

A moment passes and she asks me a second question. “Do you think it’s hard to get close to an artist’s heart?” It takes me a little under a minute to think about it.

I stumble over my words, “Well, yes and know... i mean... it’s easy to.. but hard and umm-” I take another minute, think it over again. “Yea, I guess I’d say it is hard. I mean, it’s easy to see what an artist’s heart is about, the things he or she cares for and is passionate about. But is very hard to be close to that heart.”

I hear her sigh a bit, “Why is it people like that won’t let you in?”

“I don’t know,” I reply, “It’s cause we’re all weird.”

Shortly after that comment we arrive at her apartment and the conversation comes to a halt. It’s time to say goodbye for a little while. They are becoming very frequent now. We hug, smile, give each other our best wishes, and go our separate ways for the time being.

“I’d say you’ve become deeper than wider” - Diane Kim

Wow, well said.. .

Such a simple phrase, but it resonates deeply in soul. I've certainly grown deeper in understanding and reflecting on my life, my world, my relationships. I look forward to hearing the completion of your comment in person, Diane. Maybe your on to something.. .

“When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they realized they were baked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to man, ‘Where are you?’

He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.’”

-Genesis 3:6-10

Yes, I am still hiding... we’ve all been hiding ever since.

Sin always manages to wrap itself around us in a deceptive warmth. But it gets hotter and hotter. We never notice it, but it always leads us to wounding ourselves and one another. It’s the worse when it affects the ones we love, but we can’t help it. This is often the conclusion I come to with a lot of my close friends. How is it that we become monsters so often with those we so cherish? Wounds from family and friends are the ones that cut to the bone, the ones that stay with you forever. When an enemy wounds you, it’s expected, and often heals much faster. No one feels too bad about the serpent after all. But look at Adam, Eve, and God. I’m sure there was tons of hurt and wounds inflicted by the end of the day. Eve felt blamed, Adam felt betrayed, and God felt abandoned. Everyone ends up alone.

And we’ve all felt alone ever since

“Now I know why you wanna hate me
Cause’ hate is all the world has seemed to see lately.”
-Limp Bizkit, Take a Look Around

I’m still surprised at how much this heavy metal pop song embodies much of my perspective. Some people would never guess it, but at the heart of who I am is the pessimistic realist that trudges through life never expecting a good thing to fall from the sky. If you’ve heard optimistic advice out of me, it’s usually only because I am preaching to myself at the same time.

Life can be filled with insane joy, but that is Grace. Left to our own devices we eat each other alive. I’ve taken my share of bites.

“Daddy’s gone, he doesn’t want me anymore.”

“I’m sorry I can’t be a better son, Mommy.”

I imagine that’s where it started... and the damage spread:

“You’re no good, Easten. You can’t do anything right. Look at this, such small responsibilities and you can’t even get them right,” the serpent whispers. I shudder, try and walk away. “What are you going to do with your life? You keep letting everyone down! Why don’t you just give up, just curl up in your corner and die. You’d be doing the world a favor.” But I’m not that stupid, I would do no such thing, Christ is king.

“Okay, you’re right,” the serpent nods, “Christ is king and you follow him, that’s all very good and dandy. But realize you were bought with a price. Christ died for you, that’s a hefty price, son.”

Yes, I know.. .

“So what are you going to to about it? He died for you, you worthless bag of shit. What are you going to do in return for his sacrifice?”

I... I...

“He calls you to take up your cross and follow him doesn’t he?”

Yes.. .

“So do it... follow him.”

And so I did. I followed Christ in a twisted manner that required my life and everything I had. I had to give it all. There’s a reason why he’s called the Great Deceiver. It was genius really: take my broken self esteem, my codependent concerns and channel them into a robotic serviceman for Christ, but not with Christ, not through Christ. I still remember clearly the night the lie became truth to me, sitting on the floor of my mother’s bathroom my sophomore year of High School. I cried tears over the phone with the first girl I was ever romantically connected with and pledged my life to Christ in the worst way I could. “It doesn’t matter what happens to me,” I moaned, “I wouldn’t care if I was left behind to die and rot as long as the ones I loved could be lifted up. The world has seen too much hate, (so much hate that I even hate myself) but I will choose to love others the way Christ did. By throwing myself on the railroad tracks.” Little did I know it was a pledge to destroy myself.

And all the while the serpent chuckled, whispering some more, “Work it off! Work it so hard that grace dies and all you are left with is your own pitiful self, saved but not wanted, a blessing but not blessed.”

Of course it’s a lie. I know it’s a lie now, today. Evidence that I have grown since yesterday.

But even today, that voice will still haunt me...

I am the sum of my experiences.. . who said that?